


I am One of Them

by SunshineBabyCrow



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Gen, kind of fucked up diary style
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-12
Updated: 2016-01-21
Packaged: 2018-05-13 11:49:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5706565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunshineBabyCrow/pseuds/SunshineBabyCrow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the 57th. expedition beyond the walls failed, Ivan wakes up in the field alone with nothing but his gear and a notebook he found on one of his dead comrades.<br/>He challenged his fate and tries to make it back to the wall. But what does it take to make it back to the "cage"? And how far will Ivan go to make it home?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, just me, being fascinated by the minor or side characters - as usual.  
> The idea for this little short fanfiction came to me, when I was going through the SnK Wiki page and spotted a tiny little page on Ivan. Obviously, he was just added in for plot purpose, but my "give the minor characters some attention" senses tingled and so this piece here happened.  
> Also, thanks to my relentless critic for reading this and even giving me a little bit of hope, that I'm actually able to write stuff that doesn't suck. 
> 
> Enjoy reading.

**DAY 1**

“Open space – open space – open space! I must get away; find a good spot, shelter, anything!  
This is bad. The ODM gear is useless without any trees or buildings, and I’m certainly not trying to get back to that cursed forest.  
Or should I?  
Fuck, this is messed up.  
Where am I even?

My name’s Ivan Egorov and I was – no I AM – part of the 57th expedition beyond the wall. You haven’t killed me yet, you giant bastards. As long as my spirit continues to fly, I will hold that beacon of hope.  
Anyways, my position in the formation covered the left column, close to the early titan spotting unit. We did a decent job, I guess, but we didn’t have to deal with that big ugly bitch like the guys on the right wing.

Found this little journal when I took Jürgen’s ODM gear.  
God, I’m so sorry, Jürgen. I hope you’ll forgive me for taking the gear from your dead body and leaving you lying there in the field for any titan to come.  
But you see...  
Holy hell, the tree I am currently hiding in (could have been taller but at least it’s something, right?) just got a good shaking from springing up wind. It felt like a titan hitting the trunk. Don’t get paranoid out here…  
It’s not even sunset yet but I’m scared shitless with every noise there is. 

They abandoned me here.  
I don’t blame them. In fact, Dieter even tried to bring my – supposedly – dead body back to the wagons. Too bad he endangered the whole unit by doing so; attracting the attention of two stupid ass titans, fetching me close to the forest. But still…I don’t know if I would have gotten my hands on ODM gear if it wasn’t for him coming back and things happening as they did.  
Shit, I’m such a horrible person for thinking that way; for taking advantage from Jürgen’s death like this.  
He would have acted the same way. Wouldn’t he?

Still they left me here, thinking I was dead. (Well, I almost got squished by a titan’s foot though).  
Apparently they dumped a good amount of bodies while fleeing the titans Dieter had brought with him. You’ve always been such a fool, Dieter. Too innocent and naïve to be running around outside the wall, but I hope at least you made it back to the walls by now.  
Let’s visit Jürgen’s family once I made it out of this hell and inside the cage again. Yeah, thoughts like this don’t quite match the Wings of Freedom mentality but seriously – spend a few hours out here without a horse or comrades and you’ll run back to that cage with great joy. At least for some time.

We – we? I mean, I (still thinking as a whole unit; the soldier inside me never rests apparently) can’t be too far from the wall, can I?  
Not that this big ass open area was all that great for engaging in battle but… actually, the Commander would have sent someone back to the rear unit; someone who would have taken care of two normal 10 meter classes.  
Corporal Levi knows how to handle a titan, even in an open field _[author’s note: before someone complains about Levi’s injury – yep, correct, his leg was injured and therefore battle wasn’t an option for him. However, Ivan didn’t know this when he was writing this stuff down; the boy has been knocked out pretty much the moment they came out of the forest]_

It’s a miracle that I am even alive in the first place. My hands are pretty sore and my chest feels like I was hit by a carriage at full speed. My guess would be it was caused by some huge ugly titan mitts. One of my legs won’t stand as strong as I’d wish for it to do but as long as I have ODM gear and enough gas left – I can make it.  
I can make it.  
Right?”

**DAY 3**

“Decided to move.  
Therefore no time to write anything down. Sorry, guys, but I won’t risk being ambushed by whatever wants to freakin’ kill me out here while sticking my nose in a journal.  
No disrespect to Ilse though.

I came across the old village we were passing through on our way out. This is a good sign, isn’t it? At least I think this is the same place. After all I was following the tracks left behind by the wagons and ultimately landed here.  
Not going to head out until dusk though. I have the feeling that I stretched my luck by even making it this far without encountering a single titan. 

Next question: what do I eat? For today the field ration I obtained from Jürgen should be enough. This guy’s a freakin’ squirrel. He always kept something saved in his pockets. Good for me, I guess.  
Buddy, I owe you in the next life.  
But what about tomorrow? Being that far from the woods means there’s literally nothing to hunt for. Neither deer nor berries or whatever. My only hope is to comb through every residence in this village. This won’t be without risks – given the rundown state these houses are in.  
Gonna take a while too.  
Someone – one of the veterans maybe – told me that people who were living that far away from any decent marketplace used to either grow food themselves or stored it in cans like there was no tomorrow. Must have been way back in the days… I have never heard of anything like “canned food”.  
Since there are no recognizable fields aside from abandoned flower beds, I’m hoping for one of those praised cans. It’s said to preserve food for a shitload of time – just what I’d need right now.

Found some old books about gardening. Nothing else yet. There goes my luck.  
Alive, somewhat mobile but most likely starving.  
Pull yourself together, Ivan.

Books DO burn pretty good and lizards taste god damn awful. This Sasha Braus girl lied to us. Young lady, we need to talk.  
No, it doesn’t taste like chicken or any decent meat whatsoever. It’s like you’ve skinned a chicken but decided to throw it in the sun for several hours while it’s still raw.  
They say anything tastes good as long as you roast it. Nope, scratch that, get this out of your head. I’m even missing the food at boot camp. Instructor Shadis would be proud to hear.  
The owners of this house are most likely turning in their graves given the fact that there’s a soldier sitting in their living room burning their precious books. It was for the good of humanity.

Oh, shit, I heard a noise not far away and the ground begins to shake under the weight of at least 10 to 12 meter creepy ass faced mass.  
What do I do? Slacking the fire at first, it might give me away. Is there no god damn old cloth in this house?  
Should I climb on top of the roof? Should I engage in battle? Or should I hide? None of these options is completely safe… shit it gets closer! I must save gas for emergencies but isn’t this one?  
_What do I do?”_


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My love for seemingly unimportant character knows no boundaries. 
> 
> On that spirit, enjoy.

**Day 3 – nightfall**

“Fortunately I as only one single human being seemed not to be as attractive as a whole group. Unless I would have been spotted. Which I haven’t – obviously. This son of a garlic would have thrown his body right into the building if it would have seen me.   
I hid myself in an old dusty wardrobe just to be sure and stayed there for what seemed like two or three hours (?) Very manly, I know. 

God, this is awful.  
I need to sleep but I also need to move further. Nighttime is when titans are supposed to be incapable of moving. Nonetheless… I’m scared shitless only thinking about wandering around outside in the dark. There’s no guarantee that I won’t get lost when I’m unable to see the wagon trails.   
How long will they be there? One more day, maybe two?  
Why am I so helpless and so unbelievably useless?

Nah, gotta think positive. I can still make it.  
Everyone in the Survey Corps knows the story of Ilse Langnar and how she made it quite far after losing her horse and ODM gear. I may not have a horse anymore because they took Jürgen’s mare with them when they fled to the walls and mine didn’t survive meeting a titan’s handshake; as long as my ODM gear is working, chances are a lot better than they were for Ilse.   
Can’t blame them for taking the unscathed horse of a fallen soldier back with them. It’s standard procedure. Why wasting recourses when you’ve already got next to nothing? The Survey Corps isn’t bathing in specially trained horses after all.  
Just wished I would have at least had the chance of gaining meat from my deceased horse. 

Boiled potatoes would be so nice right now…  
Sleeping should be the better idea. Guess I’m spending the night inside this shabby old house.

Please, don’t make them find me. Or maybe it would be better if they ate me while I’m asleep. Ivan, give yourself a slap and stop whining. You’re going to make it to the wall. Well, not tomorrow that’s for sure but I’m going to fight if I must. Like a good soldier does.”

 

**Day 4**

“Woke up disorientated and dizzy. My water supply pretty much ran dry this morning. From this point it can hardly get any worse.   
Should I hope for rain? Not that it would help much unless I got myself some sort of jug. Imagine standing on top of a roof trying to catch rain drops. Yeah, right.  
Isn’t there a well in any decent village? Please, don’t tell me this is one of the damn places that had to fetch their water from the neighbouring place.  
Of course it IS.

I don’t even know where the fuck the next abandoned village is located?! Do I follow the wagons’ trails or do I try my luck heading in another direction?   
Unless there’s a town full of supplies, horses and gas, there’s no reason for me to abandon my course.   
Getting lost is way more serious than being thirsty. I can’t think straight with a headache like this. How does the Commander even handle all of this shit? It’s just me out here I have to worry about but multiplying this with a hundred…God no.   
This is no time for remorse, Ivan. You can still bow down and apologize once your ass is back inside Wall Maria. 

Calm down, Ivan. Just calm down.  
Nice and steady, nice and steady – breathe in…and out.   
Holy shit, there was a god damn titan literally waiting outside the freakin’ building. WHAT THE HELL?  
Thank the Goddesses for giving me reflexes like this.  
That thing tried to grab me as soon as I stepped outside the door. I nearly pissed myself. How long has it been there?   
If it weren’t for the ODM gear and a steeple high enough to escape, this would have been my final goodbye. (Jürgen, you’re my hero, I’m gonna build you a shrine, buddy)  
I say was because this titan motherfucker slammed his head against the tower as soon as it saw me flying up there. A 12 meter class, just as anticipated. So this was the thing I heard yesterday. Why didn’t it destroy the house while I was sitting inside? An abnormal? Not that I care, it’s just odd. 

I wonder if you could actually eat a titan if the flesh wouldn’t vaporize into thin air after you sliced them up. Imagine the bellies you could fill with a big ass one as this – including mine right now.  
This is a nightmare. Literally.  
What the hell is this today? Yesterday I didn’t see one even of those ugly bastards while running through wide open territory. And now they decide to gang up on me? I need to save my gas, damn it. Needless to say that I’m still shaking like a leaf. Call me whatever you want, I don’t care, but I have never been that terrified in my entire life. Not even on the first expedition.”

 

**Day 5**

“Headed out at dusk when I still was able to see the wagons’ tracks. They are still just going straight – and so am I. Keep moving, Ivan, run, it’s not that far anymore.  
Hah, I said I wouldn’t write in a freakin’ journal while hitting the road but honestly? I feel like I might go insane not talking to anyone for such a long time now. Funny how it hasn’t even been that long.   
Soon it will be too dark to see the pages and the path.”

 

**Day 5 – night**

“Forgive me.   
Good gracious, forgive me.   
I’m…sorry…so, so sorry.  
May Sina have mercy on my soul.

Fuck…am I even human anymore? The pain in my left leg starts to get worse again. My muscles are acting up – I guess it’s punishment.   
Remember how they dumped some bodies when fleeing the titans? Well, I assume they encountered another wave of those bastards and tossed some more corpses. 

Oh my God, seriously, I don’t know what came over me. It was Daniel, they abandoned Daniel’s body. Can you even abandon a dead person? (Get your shit together, Ivan, you’re not making any sense)  
Anyways, I found him lying there like nothing happened. He looked as if he was sleeping. Why do they look so peaceful after dying in such a horrible way? That’s so damn twisted.  
I felt sick – to the point where I wanted to throw up on the spot. But at the same time…holy hell. What did I do? But I had to…I must visit his family, pay my respects, thank them for their son and his service to humanity. And all of his sacrifices.   
I am so sorry.  
Nothing will ever erase these horrible pictures. They burned themselves into the deepest part of my mind. My guts rebel as I’m just thinking about this. At least I kept his armband. Something to give to his parents to proof that their kid served his good share to the greater cause.   
He turned only 18 last month. His name was Daniel Habermann.  
And I ate what was left of him to survive.   
May the three Goddesses have mercy on my soul.”

 

**Day 6**

“Spent the night crying in the only tree around. Much to my dismay, the remains of Daniel’s mutilated body lay there in plain sight. Although his eyes are closed, I feel them staring at me, burning a hole in my soul as I’m here pitying myself. Constantly reminding me of what I did – to a comrade. Just to ensure my selfish ass would survive.   
How can I go back there? How can I look them in the eye anymore? I wouldn’t even want to see my own face in the mirror, yet my desire to make it to the wall alive is as strong as it was before.   
If I make it back –

No, I will make it back. There’s no way I’m giving up after this.   
My leg looks swollen. Fuck, I hoped I was only imagining this but this isn’t paranoia, it’s twice as big as it was yesterday. I can tell by the uncomfortable feeling of pressure against the insides of the boot. As if this wasn’t enough, there’s a constant pain in my chest whenever I try to take a deeper breath. It’s okay as long as I am breathing nice and steady – this is titan controlled territory; thinking of my situation alone makes my insides cringe.  
Whenever there’s a noise somewhere, my heart almost drops.   
With this banged up body I am not very fast, any titan could grab me without much effort. 

Stop whining about everything, you’re still a soldier of the Survey Corps. Deal with it, you have been prepared for a situation like…not actually, no, you haven’t. It’s not like they don’t teach us survival stuff but let’s be honest: who the fuck has ever survived being snatched up by a titan?  
Well, I have but it got me nowhere so far.

They could at least have checked if I was really dead. Why didn’t you check my pulse, Dieter? Holy shit, o r my breathing? I was right there behind you if you took me on your horse. You rode back to fetch my body but didn’t bother to ensure the death of your comrade?   
Your childhood friend?  
You even got Jürgen killed.

No…I can’t blame them. I do not blame them.   
It’s just so hard look at Daniel and –  
I wonder if they already paid my parents a visit. Do they know their son is proclaimed dead by now or do they still hope for me to turn up sitting with them when the expedition is officially over?  
Were we successful? The three of us remained with the rookies outside the forest; I don’t even know what was going on in there. We retreated, that’s for sure but I can’t remember if it was because of success or failure. It must have been right after we returned to the formation that I encountered a titan.   
I can’t remember…

Have I really been wandering around for just six days? Not for more than a week at least?   
What a fool I was, being all optimistic because I obtained ODM gear from a dead guy. Who knows how far the wall might be away from here or if I’m even heading in the right direction.  
Fascinating what colours your bruises become over time. My arm looks like a painter smeared his leftover colours on it. 

Snap out of it, Ivan!  
Gosh, I’m such an idiot! Get moving instead of crying about your situation like a child.   
The weather is changing; I can feel the wind getting stronger and the temperatures lowering. It’ll rain soon. And when that happens, the tracks will get washed away. I must get moving. Damn this injured leg. I’ll keep going, even if it means crawling.”

 

**Day 7**

“I remember playing outside in the rain when I was younger. Dieter’s parents would call out for us as we were running up and down the streets. Of course they scolded us but always waited for us with freshly brewed tea. Soaking wet but happy we’d beg for a piece of bread, dipped in something sweet to go with it.   
These memories are becoming so vivid that I can almost taste the bitterness of black tea in my mouth.   
Wanna go back there so badly. When I didn’t know the real threat of an actual titan. When Jürgen was still alive.   
And I didn’t abandon my humanity to fill my stomach.   
Thinking of it...Jürgen was very good at telling jokes. He was the kind of guy that would laugh before he even finished with the punchline. Right now I would give anything to hear his laughter again.

God bless the uniform’s rain coat. Not that it’s particularly warm but it keeps you dry and there’s a strange feeling of comfort wrapping it around you.  
I figured it doesn’t matter anymore since I already crossed that line. So I stopped in the middle of nowhere to drink out of a bigger puddle. This was incredibly careless...to expose myself like this.  
The heavy rain devours most of the sounds, like a titan constantly roaring in your ear. They could ambush me at any time now. There’s no fog (yet?) but the sight isn’t good either.   
Sorry for making fun of you earlier, Ilse. I see where you were coming from now. The only thing that keeps me somewhat sane out here is spouting my thoughts on the pages of this journal that doesn’t even belong to me. But I have to get them out before they’re driving me crazy inside my head.

Bearing up in random trees seems to develop into some kind of routine. With this leg I can’t walk another five steps for now. I doubt that it’s going to be any better tomorrow but it’s no use straining it any further. Better be somewhat mobile than stuck completely.  
Is there even any hope left for me at this point? Not that I want to die, I just want it to be over – one way or another. You totally underestimate the distance between the wall and any established base or even the forest of giant trees. Well, that is the point of being a scout, isn’t it? Retaking as much territory as possible.   
Last time I felt that miserable was when I realized that Petra has a thing for Corporal Levi. No...when I passed her body on the road. They dumped her too. How could you let that happen, Corporal? She was so devoted to you and her role in the Special Squad.  
Who am I kidding? I basically filched my childhood friend as he was just killed by a titan. Not to mention Daniel. I have no right to criticise anyone. “

 

**Day 8**

“The rain continues. And I was wrong about my leg. Of course it got worse over night. It wasn’t the pain that woke me up though. Even through all this grey noise I think I heard something. Kind of like a loud bang.   
Could be a titan – in this case, why would a titan fall down for no reason? Or run into something for that matter. I don’t know about abnormal ones but from what I understand they don’t run around like they do when spotting a human to chew on. Considering this, there’s no way this sound was caused by a titan.  
This might just be me desperately clinging to anything positive, even so I’m pretty sure I know this sound. 

If I am right, the wall isn’t too far away now. Every fibre of this wrecked body yells for me to start heading towards it. Still I can’t bring myself to climb down this tree.   
There it is again. Bang  
Solid metal being fired out of a canon. They’re shooting at titans.   
Why am I not moving yet?   
Thoughts are paralyzing me. What do I do once I reach the wall? Will they even open the gate for a single disposable human being? Even more so if the expedition indeed failed. In no way would anyone be happy to see a half dead Scout in front of their fucking gate.  
Most of all, I haven’t even acquired anything useful – no information, no abnormal titan to examine. What I have is a journal full of sins and unbearable whining.   
But I don’t wanna die out here.  
I don’t wanna die.  
 _I don’t wanna die._

 

They’re approaching. At least two titans, heading in my direction. I don’t know if they sensed me sitting here or if they randomly took this path.   
It has been agonizing to imagine mother’s face twisted with pain as she desperately tries to appear strong before whoever gets to tell them the news. As usual father would just sit in his chair, with an expression that gives away nothing about the storm inside his head. I don’t want to see this but it keeps popping up in my mind’s eye.   
Here they come. Ugly as ever with a mindless grin on their faces. A 10 meter and a 6 meter class. Fuck this, I am a soldier of the Survey Corps, it is my duty to wipe out these things. 

Okay...so they totally ignored me. There was a certain distance between us but that didn’t stop the other one in the abandoned village to camp outside my hiding spot. Saying that I’m confused is an understatement, but you know what? I don’t care. The warmth has returned to my limbs.  
Who would have known that one day it takes a titan to get my spirit back on track?  
Or maybe I’m just losing it. Either way, I’m fine with this.  
How long have I been sitting in this tree? The skies are grey, clouds covering the sun, no way of telling if it’s noon, afternoon or close to sunset.

Had to take a deep breath as I set foot on the ground. Damn this leg. It feels like someone stuck a blade in it. I’m pretty much just dragging it around at this point but I’m moving. Nothing else matters right now.   
Even the rain stopped. There was a tiny ray of light shining through the clouds just a moment ago. The warm feeling of tears on my cheeks... the sun is coming out again.

And there it is. Wall Maria. Has it always been that huge?   
Reaching it doesn’t mean I’m out of danger, though. Handling titans however is much easier with a bunch of houses around to ODM the fuck out of their sight.   
My leg hurts so badly right now as I’m running like a maniac. No time to think about it. I doubt that my handwriting will even be readable on these pages. Doesn’t matter, I’ll tell them everything in person.   
I’m gonna make it.  
I’m gonna make it.  
I’M GONNA MAKE IT!”


	3. Chapter 3

**Epilogue**

“Well, he did make it to the wall. Unfortunately not in one piece.”  
“That’s really not appropriate right now, Levi.” Erwin stopped reading and shot a stern glance at the Corporal as he looked up.  
As usual Levi’s only statement was a derisive huff. He was leaning against the wall beside the window with his arms crossed as if he expected to carry on this dialogue.  
For a few moments silence fell upon them. “You’re not reading this damn thing again now, are you?”  
Erwin could not help but smile. As much as Levi had gotten adjusted to military structure, the thought of standing up for his comrades and even discipline as a soldier, he still lacked patience when it came to administrative tasks.  
“No, I was just thinking about how to deal with this journal now. Or rather the whole situation surrounding its surfacing.”  
“Oh, come on, it’s not that interesting or even helpful, really.”  
“That’s not the point. I am supposed to give whatever is left of a soldier to the family, so they can honour them properly.”  
“So?” Levi raised his brow, stepping closer to the desk.  
“You have read through it, haven’t you?” Erwin asked, his eyes still fixed on the crumbled pages.  
It took Levi a few seconds to get what the Commander was hinting at. “You mean, you’re not sure...”  
“...if this is something his family should be reading. Or his friend Dieter mentioned in the book for that matter. I heard he’s unstable enough as it is.”  
“He damn sure is. You of all people should know how it feels to blame yourself for the death of someone close to you.”  
For a brief moment Levi felt uncertain if he had crossed the line with his last comment. Erwin Smith was not known to be too resentful – at least not towards him – but even this man had his breaking point. Well, supposedly. His worries were proven unfounded as Erwin sat back in his chair with the expression he always wore when thinking about something.  
“What do you want me to do?” Levi asked after getting tired of waiting for an answer.  
“I’m asking for your opinion on this subject.”  
“First of all, you gotta stop talking about this as if you got just another of four-eye’s unbearable reports about experiments. Don’t give me that look. I know you’re not completely heartless and actually do care about those poor bastards under you but honestly sometimes...”  
Erwin put him off with another stern look. Yep, not the right time for this now. “Here’s what I think: give this damn thing to the family. They will cry for sure but they’ll also be thankful to know what happened.”  
“Hmm... I see” he answered briefly nodding his approval. “What about his friend Dieter?”  
“I don’t think he should ever know that Ivan was still alive when he brought him back from that forest. He already got one of his friends killed. Imagine his reaction if you told him he could have saved him by checking if this guy was really as dead as he seemed to be.”  
“It’s decided then” Erwin said while getting up from his chair, “I will send someone to deliver this journal to the family as I am too wrapped up in planning the expedition concerning Shiganshina to go myself. Oh, and Levi” he added just as the Corporal was about to leave the room, “even I have a breaking point – keep that in mind if you please.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, yes, this epilogue...  
> The dynamics between Erwin and Levi are undeniably awesome. Writing dialogue for the two of them comes quite easy, as they already have such established personalities. No matter what you have planned with them, those little shits do what they want anyway.   
> Originally I didn't plan to end this short story with someone else reflecting on it, but when I finished the second chapter, I felt it was a better idea to leave it there and let each reader speculate about Ivan's fate.
> 
> SBC signing out, going back to drowning in the minor/side character feels.


End file.
